Coming from a broken home, I always have issues with “letting people in.” I got so used to being the “run-to” person that I barely know how it feels like to be the one asking for help. I can clearly remember being punished by my aunt back when I was around 7yrs old, she was hitting me with a belt and before it even hits my butt, I’d scream “Mama!!!” and realized, I didn’t have one, my parents separated when I was too young to even recognize my own mother. Another hit and I shouted “Papa!!” and again, I realized he’s not around because he worked abroad for more than half of his life- with the hope of giving us a “brighter future.” So that was the moment when I promised myself that if I ever get disappointed, troubled or hurt, I’m never gonna call anyone’s name, ever again.
Yes, at such a young age, I learned to wipe my own tears and pat my own back while convincing myself that “I got this.”
Given that my childhood isn’t the typical or easy one, I struggled alone almost my entire life. I dealt with my dilemmas alone, I learned to manipulate my way around relationships, I can barely handle my finances, I ended up leaving home a year before finishing high school. I figured I only have myself at the end of the day. Everyone is going to be busy saving their own asses anyway. Living alone taught me a lot of lessons but I sometimes wish I didn’t have to go through them the hard way or at least not alone. I grew up being jealous or envious of my friends who had a “complete or perfect” family image. I would watch them eating altogether during “family days” in school while they were asking me to join them which felt more like pity to me than out of willingness. I didn’t like myself back then, not even how I looked. I was bullied in school for not meeting the society’s standards of beauty. I was trying to heal from a wound that people can’t see from the surface. I’m constantly battling with anxiety and it was scary.
All those experiences were in my baggage when I packed my life and moved from my province to Manila. I felt as if I didn’t belong to my hometown but I could be a part of something bigger than that. I was right. Moving to the capital opened lots of opportunities for me, it allowed me to change my narrative. It taught me that I could change things through my choices. It all starts with me. I joined feature writing competitions just because my adviser believed that my essays were good. I earned the confidence I never had growing up. I learned to accept the missing parts of me and filled it with joy and positivity. I came to terms with the fact that I didn’t have both parents growing up but I gained multiple “guardians” along the way. I realized that moving from one house to another contributed a lot to my growth and development. That I may have been a nomad but I saw it as “maybe I’m not meant to live in just one place in this lifetime.” I gained lots of friends, made beautiful memories, there were storms from time to time but I never allowed any of it to drown me.
So dating this man recently, was a better experience than what I had with both of my exes combined. In this modern world, where everyone is just one tap or swipe away, I used to think that guys would only say things to get laid. I mean who doesn’t want that? The convenience of social media. Going back to this man and how it started, at first, it was just a random invitation to travel until we made it happen a few more times, once became twice, twice became thrice and we can’t stop.
He’s charming, not the head-turner type or headache kind of handsome, he has a genuine smile, a good sense of humor, sexy accent and our core values are aligned. We went to the same school a decade ago, he was not one of the bullies, just playful and nice. We speak the same dialect but we mostly talk in English since he moved to the US after high school. He knows things that I don’t and he’d say I’m good at the things he can’t do. We pretty much have a lot of similarities, both equally crazy, wild and funny. We talk about almost anything under the sun. He listens well, keen observer, and good communicator. There’s never a dull moment when he’s around me, that even in silence, we enjoy each other’s company. I knew it’s not just me.
But despite the goodness of it all, amidst the surreal feeling, timing could be a pain in the ass. After our trip in South France and Monaco, he had to move somewhere else due to his job, he’ll stay in Asia for approximately 3 years. Same span as my goal to finish culinary here in Germany. There were times when I feel like I don’t deserve him at all and even if I do, distance would be a huge barrier too. At that time, I felt like I have nothing else to offer, unstable, caged and lost. So as much as I’d love to keep this man, I have no idea how because of the distance. I’m barely keeping my head above water these days, I’m swimming in the same ocean that once drowned me. I feel like with the fact that we both have our own personal goals, it’s impossible for us to be near, the proximity was a non-negotiable. This sucks way too much, way more than I thought. I’m torn between “I want” but “I can’t”.
You see when both people have chemistry and compatibility? It’s not enough. You need one more thing, it’s the timing.
Out of all the time we spent together, during our trips. meals and vulnerable sessions, here are a few things I learned:
You see when both people have chemistry and compatibility? It’s not enough. You need one more thing, it’s the timing.
Contrary to my opinion before, it’s not an excuse. There will be a time when you meet someone, your personalities click, the vibes match, it feels like home, yet the timing just isn’t right.
But if I ever find myself in the position to fall in love again, I’d choose this man, in a heartbeat.
In a world where “buts and ifs” don’t exist. Where timezones would align, the time limit isn’t a thing, there’s no more waiting, flying, and waking up to each other without rushing would be the best feeling. If my life were drawn into a graph, the moments when I was with him would be the crest in my bell curve.
I can confidently say that even if we didn’t end up together, he’s definitely my 2022 highlight. That he’s my favorite person and at least he knows that by now.
You know sometimes, we may not get everything that we want, regardless of how much heart and effort we put into it.
It might take a while to make sense, but it will, eventually. For now, I just have to trust the timing and everything in between.
Story written by: Miles Silarde
Cover Photo: Miles Silarde
